Weight issues….me…..never!

09/06/2009 at 11:23 am (Uncategorized) ()

Ummm well this is a very touchy subject for me, but I guess that to move on from it…..I need to get it off my chest, and you, dear readers, are the ones I’m offloading it too…..Thanks!!

Up until I was 19, I was a normal sized, healthy girl…..never concerned about my weight at all, was able to buy whatever clothes I wanted, and felt good about myself……then I met Phil (future husband!)

I didn’t fancy him straight away (although if you ask him he would say I did!) We were friends first, and we used to travel to and from work together. It took me a few weeks to realise that, yes he was kinda cute, and maybe I did fancy him! It was at this moment, something shifted in my brain….I started to think I was too fat for anyone to find me attractive, and I thought Phil wouldn’t be interested in a fat, ugly girl like me.

I was 5ft 4 in,  9 and a half stone, and a size 12….hardly a blimp! But I thought I was huge…..and started to skip breakfast.

I started to skip lunch…….

A couple of months later Phil and I got together…….I was a size 8 at this point and was going all day on maybe half a sandwich, and an apple if I was lucky. Of course I thought I looked fab….I could feel my ribs and my hip bones….This was the thinnest I had ever been……..

 After having been with Phil for a year and a half, he asked me to marry him on my 21st birthday…….fast worker eh!! But then again, I am very special!! 🙂 And after a month of blissful engagement….I found out I was pregnant….and I cried, for about an hour…..solid.

Over the course of my pregnancy I put on 4 stone…I looked like the size of a house! And although I didn’t stuff my face everyday, I ate more than I had done in the past 2 years.

After my son was born, I thought that all this weight I had put on would miraculously disappear…..I was wrong! I was a size 16 and totally and utterly miserable….which made me eat more…which in turn, pushed my weight up further….and I found myself a size 18.

In the years between having my son and daughter I tried probably ever diet know to man…..Weight Watchers, Grapefruit Diet, Cabbage Soup Diet, Slimming World, Scottish Slimmers..the list goes on!! Some were successful…some not so….but with every diet I got more and more depressed, and frustrated about my fluctuating weight.

I had my Daughter in 2003, and luckily for me I only put on baby weight with her, which all went after she was born. But I was still carrying the excess weight from the years before….so I was back to square one!

Once again the quest for the perfect diet began, and I went through them all again, but in 2005 I heard about a diet pill being given out on prescription from the doctor….finally a light at the end of the tunnel!! I was on the phone almost immediately to make an appointment!!

The doctor checked my blood (6 vials of it I’ll have you know!!) Blood pressure (surprised I had any left) Weight (??) height, cholesterol (low by the way!) And then he asked ….”so Angela, why are you so fat” Well I wanted a hole to open up in the floor, and swallow me! I stuttered the answer….”well I’ve had 2 kids” He raised his eyebrow at me, and then continued to write out a prescription for Reductil weight loss pill.

Before I started taking it I read the leaflet that came with it……Warning may cause ; Diarrhoea, constipation (at the same time??), insomnia, bloating, dry mouth, decreased sexual drive (wtf!!) the list went on…but it was worth it if I lost weight………..wasn’t it??

It worked!!! I lost 2 and a half stone in 4 months!! I wasn’t down to what I wanted, but I felt great again!! The best I had felt in years 🙂 The doctor was pleased, and said that now I was in a healthy weight range for my height, I could come off the pills. I have to admit, a little bit of panic shot through me, but as he was writing the prescriptions, I had no choice.

Well my panic was well justified, as I slowly started to put the weight back on again. The tablets I was on, suppressed my appetite, I was basically eating 1 meal a  day. So when I cam off the pills, my appetite came back. Before I knew it, I was back to a size 16 again 😦

And so my weight continues to fluctuate…..I go up and down like a yoyo….my clothes in my wardrobe go from a size 14 to an 18. I have very low self esteem, and am deeply unhappy with the way I look. I often pray for a miracle…hoping the fat fairy’s have visited me in the night and give me a tummy tuck and liposuction, and I wake up looking gorgeous! But alas…I am still waiting for that to happen!!

So I’m now pinning my hopes on a lottery win, so I can have it all sucked out and cut off….or maybe go down the Fern Britton route, and get myself a gastric band……I suppose I could always find myself a sugar daddy….any offers!!!!!!

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6 Comments

  1. Nigel (from Twitter) said,

    Reading this made me quite sad, i mean i have only chatted with you over twitter but even through that i can tell what a lovely, cheeky and caring person you are.
    Im no oil painting i know but i would be more attracted to a woman with a great smile, a great personality and a loving caring side than some thin woman who only loves herself!
    I do understand what you have been through and how you feel but remeber you are as beautiful as people make you feel XX

    • acemas21 said,

      Aww thats so sweet….dont be sad tho…it’s a journey I’m taking, that will hopefully turn out happy!!
      I’m glad I come across that way, as I feel that is my personality, this is whats going on inside my head!

  2. Hayley (aka whisper63) said,

    I think this is something most of ladies can relate to..I too have done most diets under the sun..a few times successfully but have usually managed to put it back on plus bit more each time!! The diet pills that I tried did nothing for me,lol I just carried on eating normal..the only thing lighter at the end of them was my purse 🙂
    I am currently trying to lose weight again but this time im ‘just cutting down’ fingers crossed I will be slim this time next year!!..lol
    Good luck with yours but I must say.the small picture that I can see of you,you look fine!! xx

    • acemas21 said,

      Thanks Hayley for your comments…and for reading my blog! I agree with you…this subject touches most women, and it is hard. Thanks for the compliments :o) X

  3. upwardsofweirdness said,

    My darling, I know every bit of pain you suffer, as well you know. I’ve learned a lot of things about weight gain and loss over my years and the most important thing I’ve learned is accepting who I am – and what my body wants me to be – before anything else can come into order. I’ve finally done that. I am who I am, I look how I do, and fuck all to anyone that gives a shite about it. Yes, I would like to be a few sizes smaller, and will be. However, I’m finished with the pressure! Done! Finito! I’ve spent far too many years concerned over my weight and believing that no man would want me this way (which is complete and utter shite!). I’ve learnt that others see us differently than we see ourselves. Once you can see what they see, well then, you’ll realise how gorgeous you are, which truly eminates from the inside out. Have you ever noticed that someone you despise is quite “ugly”, though maybe technically, they’re considered rather attractive? It works in reverse as well, dear friend! 🙂
    xxx

    PS – You can’t lose weight and keep it off skipping meals! We have so much to discuss! 🙂

    • acemas21 said,

      Yes, you are right..and deep down I know this! Just need to start believing it now!!
      Can’t wait till we have that discussion, as well you know 🙂
      I will certainly have to start listening to all these people that have told me I am lovely, and gorgeous….as they all can’t be wrong…..can they?
      xxx

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